when i was diagnosed with cancer I knew I didn’t want chemo and I decided to rationalise with this errant part of my body. I felt that he had made a mistake and that a good talk would sort him out.
Clearly, talking to Tubby was not enough, cancer requires more!Yet I am still glad that I didn’t go for chemo. Also the first oncologist told me that cure was out of the question & with no treatment I should be dead in seven months. I was not, & though some days I feel as if i am well on the way to the grim reaper, other days I feel perky. A year ago I was on a cruise eating my head off blissfully & have had a few years with no symptoms at all. Also I had that joyful smug feeling too.The do-it-yourself jubilation
Now, the worst symptom is an almost total loss of voice. Never one who was backward in coming forward I rage at the blank faces. Can’t take part in political discussion. cannot shout the odds I burble & growl, & friends make the effort & we fail. Other lovely symptoms are one leg that has managed to triple its size overnight & the other which has shrunk to a mere shadow of herself with a tendency to give way at random. thus I am the proud owner ( temporarily ) of 2 Zimmer walkers, one wheeled Zimmer & a multitude of walking sticks & four visits a day from carers of varied quality & entertainment value I realise that I am fortunate to be cosseted in this manner & to have mates who form MO’s Speakeasy (?) ironic friends are essential. Also that I can afford heating & food.And have had a lot of kindness & my female love shared a bed in hospital with me & they gave her breakfast! is this a first ?(Deeply uncomfortable!)
I have no plans to give up this mortal coil any time soon but have a dreadful feeling that the decision will not be mine,& though i have had a long & eventful life I am not keen to go just yet – I badly want to know what happens next.
And today, having got up at 3.30 to write this & seen the sky change from sludge grey to an exquisite blue & the glorious sunshine on the orange bricks spent some time with my nice funny nurse I feel good for another gallop round the block – metaphorically of course, so dying is on hold for the moment.
Off to my facebook friends who have tolerated my squawks of outrage & joy & have helped me by just blathering. thanks!
As for death? Who knows?
I still talk to Tubby – one of the few who understand me.