On Thursday last week I opened my mouth, full of words, as ever, nothing but a sort of growl came out. I tried again, and again. Nothing at all emerged. I had lost my voice, totally. Disaster! My love looked amazed with a touch of humour in there.
She is not so much of a talker, not compared to me; I fill the house with words to TV, radio, to people even. I respond on & off cue. This silence has lasted several days now & among my many maladies this is the worst. I am frantic & it has given me a terrible insight to my thought process. I hear what they say, my unsuitable quip comes up & I can’t get it out, I have to watch as they fire out another line but it is repartee shut down, sarcasm lockout & I watch in silence as I huff & splutter.
I have always known that the time of gaps in chat is filled with hasty confections of smarter or,even,more relevant words to come back with. WOW I had no idea I was this competitive, so nasty! I I imagine very unpleasant punitive measures to be inflicted on these slack chatters – & they ARE slack in comparison with my fine words. I seethe & grunt curses that nobody can understand. I begin to dislike myself even more than usual. And so needy! & envious, not envious livid jealousy shines through. Inconsistent too My heart warms to somebody I recently crucified when they wink at me.
A healthy or unhealthy self-loathing has always had a place in my nature, along with a rare self-adoration & the usual critical self. This silence is no help at all. I disembowel a guy who laughed at me. I see them all out & husk out a thank you. And then come the terrible insights: I am spiteful unnecessarily cruel & too fast by half – what am I defending? Why am I threatened by other people’s words? Just to get a laugh I am savage. Guilt! Also a snob: just because a person calls my living room a lounge does not make them an idiot. I am a class traitor. This process of thought must stop before I go crazy, let’s look at them eh?
And them too, I see their brains working, they hardly hear what anybody else says & I have to listen.I am not sure how much of this I have done before. I have always listened but then filter the words through my own experience. Does everybody do this? And so much time to hear everything without my endless stream of consciousness waffle.
Voice! Please come back I swear I will stop being judgemental I shall be kind & considerate; I will be a tower of tolerance, totally benign, I swear! Keep my malignancy under wraps, promise!