HOW TO BE OLD

There are some good things about being old, even being old and decrepit has benefits. For a start not so many people have any right tell you what to do – and if they do it is easier to tell them off. It is a little easier to be selfish – in the true sense of that word – you have had more time to decide what is important to you. This can change from day to day or even from hour to hour. People tend not to expect consistency from the old. In fact rather a lot of the expectations of the young are pretty derogatory but we can forgive them for their foolishnesses with a look that says ‘been there, done that and decided against it!’ an arched brow is useful for this manoeuvre with a slightly  knowing smile.

It is very irritating when the young take it for granted that they invented many of the more enjoyable vices – we know better of course. And we got there first and we could tell them a thing or two but we won’t, and they wouldn’t listen which is fair enough.

We can watch them and feel smug. There are of course limitations on being old – some are real, others can be invented. An example of this is when you have found a nice comfortable spot to sit in a packed party it is a simple to thing remain seated while other people bring your drinks and food – I have devised a certain look –without losing any dignity – implying a slight inability to move – this benefits the younger person who feels that they are being kind so that they have that nice warm sense of virtue. So it is a  double bubble of a feelgood factor.

There are of course many of the old who wish to be seen as paragons of ability and they leap about like young’uns and good luck to them. Then there are the martyrs who suffer visibly with every creak but worst of all are the ancients who have given up any pretence of being a fully functioning human. These stand in queues obediently and look apologetic – they actually let people go before them implying that they have nothing better to do. They call people ‘son’ and defer to the young. My own attitude is that we have less time left on this mortal coil so should be given priority over the multitude of the young who are all only too eager to dismiss us as redundant.

So please don’t dive for the fawn anorak for males and white curly hair for women. Astound your friends and family with jaunty gear in brilliant shades forget all the nonsense about various colours ‘not going’ make a splash with your vivacity and style. Demand the respect that you think is due to you – or more- use your age as a tool of advancement for as long as possible then die in an inconvenient place & manner and leave no will.

And remember grumpiness is our divine right for us to use whenever and wherever we like. Enjoy!

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One Response to HOW TO BE OLD

  1. Hahahaha! As something of a traditionalist and money literate, I have of course made a will. But colour – yes definitely (I’ve a red hat, purple sparkly mittens etc and the occasional bronze mascara streaks in my hair). So glad to read your views on ripping up the older person’s rule book and writing your own. All power to you and your ideas & plans.